Unbearable

Am.Ch. Saiyai's "Pudding" the Sweet Heart

I know I promised to write a small tribute to all those contributed to Cash's ROM title. Once again, I face the really that one never knows what will happen tomorrow.

I arrived to my second home, yesterday, a day later than planned. When I arrived, I called for "Pudding." Pudding was pregnant with Cash's babies, and was due to deliver on the 8th of August. She has looked fine, always. Even yesterday, when I called her, she came to me, and ate the snacks I brought for her. We spent a quality hour together, in silent, before Pudding went down with a stroke. My husband, my staff, and I saw this happened together. We were shocked. It seemed like just a matter of seconds, when I picked her up, she had purple tongue, as if she couldn't breathe. Her eyes, looked at me lovingly, as they always do whenever she was with me. But it was filled was despair. At that moment, I felt like my heart would stop. I feel like I could read the message in her eyes, "goodbye Mom." It was sudden. It was inexplicable. I quickly took Pudding to an oxygen tank. We forced her mouth open, so she could receive as much of it as possible, but it was to no use. She was still in stroke, but her eyes never left mine. Her sad, and loving eyes. That was the first unbearable moment.

I called up the vet. My husband drove us. The vet lives 20 minutes away from our 2nd home. I held her close to my chest, and looked deep in her eyes. But only a few minutes after we left, Pudding eyes were shut, and she stopped breathing. Needless to say, I almost lost my mind. My husband drove, and turned to wipe my tears occasionally. When we arrived at the vet, he decided to open up Pudding. We found that her babies lost their lives just moments before we arrived at the vet. Their tongues in their mouth. Oh, how I hate the words, "too late - a little bit too late." These words didn't help at all, except to only hurt me more. This was another unbearable moment.

The bond I have with all my dogs, are all unique from one another. Pudding is another one that is so special to me. She was of my breeding. Her daddy was Cappuccino, who only recently just passed away, and her mother, Yardtip, is one of my pretty girls. Pudding grew up to be very sweet. She was the most outstanding one of her litter. She became the 2nd dog of my breeding to become an American Champion. She was shown by Stacia Ohira in Hawaii. There, Pudding and Stacia built a special, which made me very happy. I even planned that, once Pudding retires, I would send her back to Stacia. We've always discussed this.

I have been sick for a while. I had hope that I would recover just fine, just as "Malee" did. The constant diagnosis showed that I've improved. We made plans that if anything should happen, which one of my dogs would go to whom, to ensure that they have the same living standards. I spoke to Stacia about this, and we decided that Pudding would go live with Stacia, even before she retires, just in case anything happens in this unstable life. During this time, Stacia visited me twice. In her first visit, Pudding couldn't go, because she was still awaiting her rabies blood test result. During Stacia's 2nd visit, the test result was already a "pass." However, I didn't let Pudding go, because she was on season. I decided to breed her with Cash. That has always been Stacia and my hope. I didn't even tell Stacia, because I wanted to surprise her. I planned to keep two, and let 2 go to Hawaii with Pudding. It was a plan that went totally wrong. I should have let Pudding go with Stacia, when she last visited. 

As I mentioned, Pudding was special. She had a special bond with me. Except for Malee, Pudding is my most talked to dog. I talk to them about my sickness all the time. I told them, "everyone will be okay. Whatever happens, Malee will go to Erika Lanasa, and Pudding will go to live in Hawaii with Stacia Ohira, where they will be no less happy than you are at Saiyai Doghome." Silly girl, Pudding didn't understand me well. She just knew mom was sick, and so she decided to go wait for mom in heaven. She decided to take all her puppies with her. Silly girl didn't know it was too soon. Mom can't take it. It was too soon. IT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY THE WRONG WAY. This is the big unbearable point.

Last night, I barely got any sleep. Yesterday was an important religious day in Buddhism. I can only hope that when Pudding and her babies passed away, her babies and she, who had innocent souls, will go to top echelon of heaven, be in the presence of the Lord Buddha, and enter Nirvana, with the help of our prayers and our collective good karma. I miss them so much, but I do not want them to go wait for me in heaven. I want them to enter Nirvana and never be born and suffer again.

This morning, my husband and I went to offer alms, as always. I pray that all my merit, plus the ones I earn today, will help take Pudding and her babies' souls to where I already mentioned. Afterwards, we went to the market, and I cried while I was buying groceries. My husband, held my hand the whole way. Whenever I cried, we'd stop walking, and he would wipe my tears. People looked at us curiously, but no one said anything. One merchant kindly enough offered me a paper towel to wipe my tears.

I do not know how to end this post, except to say it was unbearable.